satanswidow:

A guy that holds your hair back while you give him head.

That’s romance.

Lmaoo.

I’m glad I recently blocked Facebook off of my “Tumblr” because now nobody should get into my business. Nobody should talk to me about what I am feeling right now, neither should they get into my business. That is not my real point however.

However my point is that I no longer feel that I am in love with the woman I am with. I do not know what even happened there, it honestly feels that we have fallen apart. I have an idea of where it traces back to but it is a stupid reason to think so. I do not understand why I just feel detached from her. Even with every problem me and her have been through, this one seems almost impossible to pass. I remember the times when her and I would laugh uncontrollably and when we would be passionate throughout the entire day. I promised her I would never fall out of love with her, but somehow I just have. I just cannot find her attractive as I once did. I tried to make her life easy and happy, but she could not do the same for me. Even when I tried, it would fail miserably within weeks because of another argument. When she tried, my miserable self could not accept her help, or her happiness because of my pride. I feel that every step I go forward with her is bound to be another step back. I have not made progress with her, and I can honestly say I have never felt more confused or lost. I cannot make anything exciting anymore, and neither can she. I honestly feel that we are going on in circles, and it feels that in the last month everything is shifting for her own good. I believe that she should let go already so we can both continue our lives. She can enjoy her prom nights, and her graduation for Sacramento State. I guess my life was not meant to be as great as hers, I am only holding her back. She needs to move on with her life.

My life is miserable as is anyhow. I do not feel destined for anything great, since I screwed up my chances long ago. I do not feel that I am right for her, and I do not feel that I am even a great boyfriend for her. I only wish that I could have fixed everything from the start, I want a second chance with her to start all over. I want to be able to make her life happy again. I want my life to be happy again. I wish I could have everything back on track, but its simply that I can’t keep up with her anymore. She cannot keep up with me.

I do not want to break up, my heart tells me no, but everything that has happened within the past year makes me feel that its my only choice. Why must I lose her like this? I know we can do better, but I do not feel that it can be repaired easily. I know that whatever I will do in life, it will not be right for her. I do not want it to end like this. I do not know if my life or my choices are right for her though. I fear putting her through the worst. I fear losing her, although the romance feels dead. I am confused with myself, I am confused with what  I want.

I guess it only goes to show how much of a person you are when you have a tough week. This week so far I’ve gotten into what I believer the worst argument with my loved one. Worst part is that I started it and I don’t believe I can fix it, without any scarring. I just got my email back from the financial aid office that now I have to show up to their office for “questioning about the validity of my financial assets information”; which could result in the ending of my fee waiver next semester. I am constantly bombarded by thoughts and other fears of having no real sense of myself. I often question who I am, and why I have treated others the way I have. I wish I could reverse most of my life, and somehow be able to fix it all one by one. I also got the response early from the internship I was applying to, only to learn I didn’t even get an interview. I also talked to my counselor for my classes and my future, and I learned that I might not even graduate to make it in time for the class of 2013. Apparently I’m going to graduate with my B.S. along with the current class of 2012, so I feel like a super senior. I also want to join the Phi Theta Kappa Honors society and the American Medical Student Association, but apparently both of those options are out of my reach financially. (I am too proud to ask my parents for 300 dollars collectively.) I also don’t understand how a member of my family suddenly falls ill during this month. There are also many promises that I have broken in this week alone. I want to fix everything. I don’t even know where to start sometimes.

My court date is today, which shouldn’t be all to bad I guess. I can’t find the summons but I have the notice and everything else in hand… Even all my tickets I bought and all the passes including the semi monthly pass, and even my school pass. I should do well and get off with something small, kinda stupid to be going to court over six dollars I intended to pay anyhow, it just happened at the worst time. Now I see what the real world is like, any chance to get you is what the law will do. I abide by it, yet it screws me over. Anyhow court shouldn’t be all to bad, right?

I also feel like shit for neglecting my family. I finally got a job and am able to get good grades and study well, but it kinda sucks to do what I’m doing, not finding the balance with family and friends. I actually feel a little shitty for not having supported my family by helping out or being there. I wish I had a little more time, but whenever I do have free time its only for an hour or two, maybe at the most 3. It’s more than enough to help out, but I should now start using that little time to help out on what I can. Screw getting the car, the old man has a point, I’ve always been about myself. I can help make a huge difference, but it hasn’t been so lately.

Work has been awesome though, I get to do everything I want at work, except sit down and take constant breaks. Well, I get to have fun and get paid for it? Cashiering at Evangeline’s wasn’t too bad to begin with. Hopefully at Evangeline’s they keep me, I really want to stay working there throughout a good part of college, or at least until I secure my old position as a CSPD tech at Methodist. Everything seems to be working out in my “work world”.

School has been a bit stressful, I slipped behind a bit this week, but now I just have to read my history book and then read my Salem witch hunt book. I also need to visit the library tomorrow just to be able to read my Psychology book, its expensive to even buy it. I also have to keep on reading that book for my Philosophy class. Dang. It really does make time pass by whenever I read the texts, and just taking notes kills hours of time. I also need to find a study group, at least for my subjects because it would be great to check on anything I might have gotten wrong. I also have to start preparing my papers and such for my history class and philosophy. Hm, at least I now have an idea of what I’m getting into.

My girlfriend and I have never been closer, these past few days I feel like she’s been an incredible amount of help and someone to lean on when I need someone. Well, then again she is supposed to be there for me :), and she is. I finally learned to appreciate what I have, now if only I can do that with family.

I also have to get rid of a whole bunch of crap I don’t need around in my room.

Well, time to get ready and all. Looking nice for court would probably do well for me.

     Well, I certainly did learn alot this summer. I had some awesome, along with some shitty experiences. I have learned that in order to get what I want, even I fail about 50 times, its being persistent and consistent that will get the job done. Even if I don’t get what I want, the next best thing is supposed to be there. I have finished my summer success academy, having three new credits under my belt towards my degree. I also have more new friends and connections in college so I’m not lost one bit this year. I learned the whole Regional, Yolo, and Davis transit system within the months. I finally got to finish up a couple of good movies and series. I got my driver’s license, and then I got to drive a bit. A bit sucks but its something.

     I discovered new kinds of coffee that I’m always going to love, I discovered the cheapest places that still taste great! I got to taste some food at La Terraza, and I found out some great places to eat for less than 20 for 2 people. I went to parties of course, some which were fun, others which may not have been so much. I explored Sacramento and made it mine. I got to visit some family members who I haven’t seen in a while. I also beat many games over the summer. I prepped up for school and learned how to get to Davis within 2 hours on a bus and bike. I lost my way around Davis and learned it quickly. I read many magazines in those buses, learning on what’s coming up and what the latest events are. I spent time with my girl and friends at the fair. I even got to see the new inmates at CRHS begin their orientation and begin high school.I finally got a job at Evangeline’s store in Old Sacramento, a dream job for me.I went to my first day of class already… (on a Saturday)

     However my summer sounds a bit boring to most who went out of city constantly and to Vegas or Reno and what not, but like most I can probably relate to the parts that sucked.

     I had a rough time rediscovering who I was and what I was all about. I was struggling between right and wrong again. That’s something I haven’t done in the longest time. I lost my way, being honest, with most of the things I do. At least I’m somewhat back to normal. I struggled with the way society and “life has been to me”. I got a ticket over 6 unpaid dollars at the light rail which I intended to pay for anyhow. I just didn’t have the cash and they don’t accept debit. I had to swallow my anger against my younger brothers and sisters, and sometimes at my parents. I honestly haven’t felt so much pent up anger in the longest time. Worst part was that I had a 2 week long fight with my girl.

     Probably almost 3 weeks, but I have never felt shittier just knowing what I’ve done. I wish I hadn’t said what I had said, or done what I had done. I even wondered through the whole time we fought, as to why she was even still with me. I didn’t exactly get why she decided to stay, I honestly thought she would have left me. My girlfriend didn’t do anything wrong to me. I did. I made so many wrong moves and turns in our relationship in the past few weeks. I destroyed that trust with her in a few short days. No it wasn’t cheating if most want to wonder, just other unaddressed issues at hand.

    At least with her things got better. I just hope it can stay that way. I honestly hope she can find it within her again to trust me. I don’t expect her to forget, I don’t want her to forget, but I wish it was that simple to where she could.

     Summer can do that to people. I have changed for the worse, at least I feel like it. I may have many news experiences and events, but who I am now just makes me wonder if it really was worth it. I kinda wish my summer stayed good, drama-free.

         It’s kinda cliche to once again say that life has its ups and downs, but I’m saying it: life has its ups and downs.